Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
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I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?