“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
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peep davidson
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Steam Forums
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.