[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
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Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters