[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
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*names my little horse OneTrick*
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper