America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
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marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Yeah. This was me today.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that