I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
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In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
i want the dreams to chase me for once
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.