My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
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Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.