*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
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No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.