@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
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99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.