According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
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It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works