You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
You Might Also Like
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Breaking news:
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.