Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
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If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”