shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
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Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Kermit goes Blue.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
📽️movie date🎞️
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes