[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
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[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.