I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
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AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T