I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
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It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Does it…does it take 3 days
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.