Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
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I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
g
a
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d
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)