Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
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I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”