Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
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My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked