You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
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*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning