Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
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Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
This fish is cracking me up
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning