Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
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Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.