*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
You Might Also Like
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!