The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
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my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Message from the dog groomers
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.