I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
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Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
you will never know the true number of layers
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”