“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
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boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.