ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
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This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you