date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
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Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
#DesignFail
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
stand with me against insufficient seating
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!