I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
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Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
#DesignFail
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
This pepper has seen some shit
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no