My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
You Might Also Like
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B