When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
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It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.