Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
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My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
what?
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”