I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
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[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand