Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
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Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
The Friday File.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems