My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
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This is enough internet for the day.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
no cat here
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.