*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
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Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.