*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
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[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me