If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
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nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Thursday
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’