wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
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Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.