the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
You Might Also Like
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach