ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
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3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
much to think about
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
I don’t make the rules sorry
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.