When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
You Might Also Like
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Whoa… oh I see lol
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo