God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
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It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
This is my bus stop.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules