I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
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[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.