[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
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A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Clients after you give them your rates
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Story of my life…..
Breaking news:
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll