*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
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Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Another interesting #factupdates post!
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used