Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
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if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.