[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
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anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
I have never related to a cat more
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
at ease…shoulder.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist