lmaaaaaooooooooo
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We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Am getting real tired of your crap…
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.