[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
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Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’